My Mind is Frozen

My mind, frozen and unable to come up with what's next.
How can this be my world?
One that was so clear, but is now so unsure.

I know what to do, but what do I want? 
What is there to look forward to in the near future.
There is a sense of confusion whirling, swirling,
a moment of joy, followed by sadness.

I feel like a tree blowing around and now moving anywhere far,
and my mind is frozen.

Written 2022

Best

Silence surrounds me like a comfy blanket. 
No words are needed in this moment
to have understanding between two people.
Completed thoughts and conversations come and go,
but that’s OK because words aren’t always needed.

 The company I share the room with
makes me feel safe and welcome
the feeling hits me like a rock hits a window,
shattering it to pieces.

My pieces are bricks
in the wall I’ve been building all my life
to keep me safe.
Relief feels warm in my soul
like the love I feel for the ones I love.

To feel truly understood is like learning to walk,
something new yet exciting
that can help me move and grow.

My mind stops racing 
and feels calm.
In that moment
I know that things will be OK.

I have a bright light in my life
 and that light is you.

Overload

My mind is numb
I feel my heart thumping in my chest
I feel my head pounding in accordance
My body is finally relaxing.

Im overwhelmed with so many emotions,
My body screams at me to release it,
No escape comes, and i sit with the knowledge that i don't know how to go on.

Music is my release, but not this time,
My mind is like an overflowing drawer with things without a place. There is no escape from the chaos, from the reality of what is now.

A Quiet Mind

My mind is quiet while the room around me screams,  people talking and babies crying, legos clinking and the tv singing a song to its toddler audience .

My mind is quiet with thoughts of the past, the smiles and the laughs, the songs and the stories.

My mind is quiet thinking of how much i could use a hug to make things seem so much better, to take some stress away.

My mind is quietly calming me down,  preparing me to go with the flow and work as hard as i can. 

My mind is quiet with thoughts of what i can do to make you proud, to keep the boat afloat.

My mind is quiet until someone says "can you grab this for me in a medium" and i snap out of my mind and smile and stand tall and walk with my head up all the while still thinking of how much i miss you.

In the Air

6/28/17

Heat,  i can handle,
Humidity,  not so much
My curls frizz,
I look like a different person.

My lungs fill with the damp air
I feel the struggle to breathe,
The fear of suffocating in the back of my mind.

I can feel the dampness
In the classroom around me,
The tables sticky
and the paper feels different,
Soft and wet in texture.
I'm cold yet sweaty,
it's not a fever,
it's the humidity that surrounds me. 

I wait for the rain to come-
Hopefully taking the humidity away
With each drop off rain that falls.
If only.

Him

July 2017

Simple seeds spread joy,
Flowers bloom as Spring-
Warms the chilled ground.
Rain falling from the damp clouds,
like tears falling from my eyes,
Steady yet soothing.

The Sun beating on my skin
feels like home, when I was
young- when life was sweet
like honey in my bedtime tea.
I miss those dark eyes- saying
I love you and good night.

Another World

7/19/17

Reading calms my mind,
Soothes my soul,
Takes me to another world,
Helps me escape my reality,
the one that mentally drains me and makes it hard to be.
Let me escape until I find a place I love and I can stay for evermore.

Someday, Maybe

9/12/17

Strong body but tired mind,
Young in body but old in soul.
I live my life day today and week by week,
What has to be done to stay afloat,
to survive in this dog eat dog world
Where money is everything and if you don't have plenty you're living paycheck to paycheck.
The uncertainty of when things can and will happen in a life that we are told we have control over.
I have control over little.
I can control my attitude
I can control the respect I give to others
When I go to sleep or when I'm hungry.
I can't control what others judge about me,
if someone doesn't see the potential I have.
This life I'm  living is not the one I'd pick for myself in my late twenties.
A woman of nearly thirty has her life put together and is on the right path she chose. Right?
Not this time.
I have a passion to inspire others, but I have to do in on my own time.
Some day, maybe things will work out,
Maybe I'll  live in a spacious place with the people I love the most,
my fur baby and I cuddling on the weekends when I have my only chance to sleep in.
Maybe, just maybe, some day maybe, I'll feel whole.

To D, With Love

You are my sunshine
loving enormously
a gorgeous woman
sweet like honey
always cool
dreaming of a symphony
music whispering to your beauty
together you and I drunk on life
you my friend like
a wind beneath me soaring blue sky
ever after.

I Know a Girl

I know a girl who is kind and true
Not afraid to be who she is.
I know a girl who is filled with so much love and is caring and genuine.
I know a girl who knows what to say to make me laugh and can cheer me up when I'm feeling low.
I know a girl that is so intelligent but loves to swear and it makes her who she is, wonderful.
I know a girl who can't imagine my life without and for whom I'm very grateful to know.

Can't Fool Me

Sadness engulfs me and I don't know why,
I'm surrounded by people but I feel lonely. 
I find myself putting a smile on my face to hide my true feelings.
I fool those around me,  they don't know my suffering.
I walk past a crowd of people with my head held high,  holding back the tears that are starting to sting my eyes.
I may fool them,  but I can't fool myself.
The sadness engulfs me. 

Je ne t'oublierai jamais (I'll never forget you)

So much unsaid that now I can't say.
I'm stuck in the past with no closure,
no way to say goodbye to someone who meant so much.

I celebrate you everyday,
in my classroom, with my students, with my friends.
I am who I am today because you being a part of my life
changed me for good.

I'll never forget your humor or your amazing personality.
I'll never forget what you taught me.
Tu me manques et je ne t'oublierai jamais.

Power of Duende

Written 1/10/12

At a concert you listen to a singer.

She sways as the words flow from her body,

You sit in your chair wondering where her

Passion comes from, what is this thing

That makes you feel the words she is singing.

At a museum you walk through the halls and

Stop at a painting,

This one really caught your eye, there is great

Detail and feeling in this paining, this gives you an

Idea of what the painter was trying to paint, what he felt.

At a reading, a poet reads his poem aloud,

The metaphors roll through your head and paint

A picture, they give you a feeling, you wonder how this

Poet could write something that could make you

Feel so deeply, by his words.

Could it be a muse? An Angel?
It must be Duende,

For there is no greater power.

Christmas Untitled

Written 1/9/2012

The fake needles scratch

the skin as you put the tree up.

The glitter ornaments shimmer

as you turn on the colored lights

for the first time this december.

Ornaments of different shapes and

sizes drape from the branches.

Presents start to stack under the

tree, different types of wrapping,

tags with many different names.

There's excitement and laughter as

you watch family open their gifts.

Ham with mashed potatoes, corn

and pumpkin pie fill the dinner

table, family talks while you eat,

When over and more time has

passed it's time to put t he past behind.

You pack up the ornaments, the

tinsel, the lights, and as the needles

scratch the skin one more time there

is a feeling of sadness.

For christmas time is gone,

But it will will come again next year.

All I Want To Do

11/2010

All I Want To Do

Is be done with papers

and tests and take a

break from school,

Is be closer to being done

paying student loans back

Instead of not started,

Is be the kind of person

who once starts something

finishes it shortly after.

All I want to do is

love, and be loved,

and keep loving and

being loved =)

Surprise

11/2010

Rain drops fall on my

head and my hair gets

damp with the smell

of rain around me.

I cover my head with

a newspaper but eventually

even that starts to soften

and more rain falls upon me.

It's not that I don't like

the rain, it's that it

surprises me with it's

awful timing of coming.

If the rain could maybe

give me a warning every

once and a while, maybe

I could have my umbrella.

Lonely

11/2010

Alone in my room I

feel joy.

Alone except for the

feeling of lonliness.

I'm sure you know

what it's like.

Being alone. You've

been alone.

When I've left you and

forgotten your pages.

I apologize for leaving you,

I know what it's like,

To be alone, as you have.

Driving

11/2010

White and small,

Cold and Wet,

falling and stopping.

I like to watch you from inside,

But leave me be,

I'm driving.

I'm not always safe when you're around.

I'm scared of what will happen.

Happiness

11/2010

Hello happiness, I've left you so far behind.

My mind is filled with need and wants and

I can't focus anymore.

Why does this world have to be money oriented.

Nothing can be done without it,

People are living on the streets because

They don't have it.

Why can't we pay with kindness and emotions?

I Can Feel You

11/2010

Tonight I can feel your presence,

Almost like you never left and your

Still standing close, watching my every move.

I hear your whisper and I'm scared

Because I know it's not real and

I'll loose you once again.

But tonight, I'll keep you here,

I can feel your presence.